Long Now Elf Love
Today for your reading pleasure, a brilliant and delicious excerpt dredged from the corners of the internet:
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Anonymous
06/02/12(Sat)06:24
No.19334013
Once, we had an elf who fucked one human, once, and developed this psychotic obsession with bringing him back to life after he died.
She sort of faded into the background after a while, we forgot about her, but two campaigns later her research started popping up, and this escalated until it turned out that she was basically getting ready to harvest all life on Earth to try and bring her pet goldfish back to life. By the end of it were were up to our balls in hideous soul-stealing goblin mutants that ate souls and vomited them back up as pearl catalysts for some ancient resurrection ritual.
Five fucking campaigns of fighting this insane elf, motivated by love and heartbreak to destroy the world and overthrow the will of the gods to bring her husband back, because SOMEONE just HAD to hit on the elf chick.
Way to fucking go, Riley.
She sort of faded into the background after a while, we forgot about her, but two campaigns later her research started popping up, and this escalated until it turned out that she was basically getting ready to harvest all life on Earth to try and bring her pet goldfish back to life. By the end of it were were up to our balls in hideous soul-stealing goblin mutants that ate souls and vomited them back up as pearl catalysts for some ancient resurrection ritual.
Five fucking campaigns of fighting this insane elf, motivated by love and heartbreak to destroy the world and overthrow the will of the gods to bring her husband back, because SOMEONE just HAD to hit on the elf chick.
Way to fucking go, Riley.
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Anonymous
06/02/12(Sat)06:25
No.19334019
dear god i want to be in your group
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Anonymous
06/02/12(Sat)06:52
No.19334106
You say that now, but you'd be eating your thumbs by the end of it. It's so enraging to go through these enormously fierce trials, and then realize that they aren't clever at all, they were just engineered by a woman with infinite time and no sense of proportion.
Example: Her research notes were all written in Dwarvish, which was the language of choice for scientific notation. But then apparently she thought "oh hey, someone might read my notes and figure out my plans."
Now a sensible person might start writing in code. She destroyed the entire Dwarvish civilization, and annihilated their culture. Then she invented Esperanto and taught it to the humans. Nobody speaks Dwarvish except her anymore. Fucking unbelievable. THIS WAS A WHOLE CAMPAIGN.
Example: Her research notes were all written in Dwarvish, which was the language of choice for scientific notation. But then apparently she thought "oh hey, someone might read my notes and figure out my plans."
Now a sensible person might start writing in code. She destroyed the entire Dwarvish civilization, and annihilated their culture. Then she invented Esperanto and taught it to the humans. Nobody speaks Dwarvish except her anymore. Fucking unbelievable. THIS WAS A WHOLE CAMPAIGN.
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Anonymous
06/02/12(Sat)06:57
No.19334136
Holy shit. Tell us more.
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Anonymous
06/02/12(Sat)07:10
No.19334184
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say. The whole affair is just so agonizing from start to finish that it hurts just thinking of it.
Like in campaign three, when she introduced a wonder-crop that was like a combination between Potatoes, Wheat and Rice. Grew in huge paddies, each one was the size of a bowling ball, you could take in five crops a year easy, didn't deplete the soil, and, oh yeah, after the tenth year they basically flooded the atmosphere with sentient anthrax, to induce migration inland. YAY.
Or like in campaign two, when she tore open the abyss with a huge ring painted with seven hundred gallons of her own blood carefully extracted and frozen over the course of decades, and used it to suck out the very spirits of entropy and chain them to her will so that she could put out the sun for the fifteen minutes she needed to do some stupid syzygy shit. No no, not because the sun needed to vanish for the alignment herself, she just wanted better lighting to see the stars. Not like she could've just used a telescope or anything.
Every fucking time, we end up dealing with this hideous series of catastrophes, and a campaign later we realize just how trivial the actual motivations behind them were.
Like in campaign three, when she introduced a wonder-crop that was like a combination between Potatoes, Wheat and Rice. Grew in huge paddies, each one was the size of a bowling ball, you could take in five crops a year easy, didn't deplete the soil, and, oh yeah, after the tenth year they basically flooded the atmosphere with sentient anthrax, to induce migration inland. YAY.
Or like in campaign two, when she tore open the abyss with a huge ring painted with seven hundred gallons of her own blood carefully extracted and frozen over the course of decades, and used it to suck out the very spirits of entropy and chain them to her will so that she could put out the sun for the fifteen minutes she needed to do some stupid syzygy shit. No no, not because the sun needed to vanish for the alignment herself, she just wanted better lighting to see the stars. Not like she could've just used a telescope or anything.
Every fucking time, we end up dealing with this hideous series of catastrophes, and a campaign later we realize just how trivial the actual motivations behind them were.
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Anonymous
06/02/12(Sat)07:12
No.19334191
You really need to invest in a better DM.
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Anonymous
06/02/12(Sat)07:15
No.19334203
In his defense, this all started because we foreverDM'd him. Not exactly subtle revenge. I mean at least it's still fun, and while you're playing it you never notice, but then afterwards you're left going "did we just spend six months cockblocking an elf?"
And the answer is yes. Six months cockblocking an elf. There was sentient anthrax and bandersnatches involved, sure, but when you get down to it it was cockblocking an elf.
And the answer is yes. Six months cockblocking an elf. There was sentient anthrax and bandersnatches involved, sure, but when you get down to it it was cockblocking an elf.
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Inquisitorial-Librarian
06/02/12(Sat)07:17
No.19334211
No, no, his DM is a genius. To induce that kind of rage and frustration and yet keep the players going?
This is gold. Comedy and campaign gold, I say!
This is gold. Comedy and campaign gold, I say!
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